Follow us on

And The Most Likely To Bust Out Of Her Dress Award Goes To... By George W. Horta III

March 24th, 2003

I love movies... I really do... and I try to watch award shows... but I can’t... I really can’t. As a matter of fact, the only reason I even show the least bit interest in these galas, is because I may be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of some million dollar actress cleavage, or... better yet, an Ashley Judd-like, up the gown shot. The afore-mentioned gander during one award show a couple years back, actually sent me into spastic fits of joyous convulsion for an hour straight, which turned to spastic fits of anger because I didn’t have a TiVo at the time... But it’s not like I’m perverted or anything... I mean I also watch awards shows so that I can see how bad any given actor or actress looks nowadays. Watching a big screen hunk or darling falling apart in front of the small screen, admittedly brings a smile to my face. I don’t care that I might sound uncultured or uninformed, but awards shows are so horribly boring. Even if there weren’t so many that you can’t keep track of them, I would think them boring... But... I have found a way to make them fun... a way to keep you interested... a way to make you look forward to the next Academy Awards or at least that red carpet walk... and it’s a game... a simple but fun game.

The Game

Ok then... this amusement is actually derived from a Super Bowl Game me and the wife play in order to keep those Bowl games interesting when neither of our teams actually make it to the end, and we really have no interest in who wins or loses. In those matches, we actually make up categories like: Coin Toss Winner, Best Commercial, First Team To Have A Man Carried Off The Field, First Interception, Last Field Goal, Best Hit, Bud Bowl Winner, Worst Ref Call... etc, etc, etc. Then, we assign points to each category, make up a couple of play cards based on our picks, and see who wins based on total accumulated points. Sure, some of those categories are subjective but that’s not the point. You see, the arguments that ensue because of those more subjective categories are half the fun. Anyway, after hearing about this years Academy Awards, and yes I said hearing about the awards because as I mentioned before, I didn’t watch them, I decided to play a version of that game with next year's Academy Awards. And I will give you all an example of how it is played, by issuing out Awards based on this year's event and pre-creating the categories.

Most Likely To Bust Out Of Her Dress Award

This is an award and point given to the Actress that is seen on the red carpet, and that looks most likely to bust out of her dress or dress top. Mind you, like many of these awards, she doesn’t have to be up for an Oscar to win, she just has to be at the Oscars, and have been in a movie at one time or another. Also, please note, that this isn’t an award for an actress of whom you would like to see bust out of her dress. It’s an award for the actress that shows up to the Oscars, and looks like she will bust out of her dress. For example, this year, I would have loved for Salma Hayek to bust out of her dress, or at least for her to have worn an outfit that would make it look like she was going to bust out of her dress. She would have been my pick for this awards ceremony. But this year's award would have to either go to Jennifer Garner, though she wasn’t up for an Oscar or in a movie that was up for an Oscar, or it would unfortunately go to Queen Latifah. Understand now? Yes, I want to see Salma Hayek Bust Out of her dress, but this year she didn’t warrant the award, however based on the dresses they wore this year, Jennifer Garner, who I also wouldn’t mind seeing bust out of her dress, would have been in contention for the award along with Queen Latifah, though no one wants to see her bust out of anything.

It's one point if the actress you pre-select shows to the Oscars and wins, but it's 2 points if the actress you select is an Oscar Nominee and gets the Busting out award. And if the actress you select is an Oscar Nominee, and she gets the Oscar and the Busting out award, that’s 4 points.

Most Likely To Bust Out Of His Cummerbund Award

Not to seem sexist, this award is like the Bust Out Of Her Dress Award, but refers to the men who looked a bit bigger on the red carpet, then they did in there last big screen appearance. To further expand on both awards, this won’t necessarily go to the heaviest actor (or actress in the case of the Bust Out of Her Dress Award), but to the one who most fits the description of the award that year. In this category, I will have to give it to Christopher Walken, closely followed by Brendan Fraser. Just so you know, I really like the movies these two make, and I actually think they are both good actors. Mr. Walken, is arguably just showing his age, but Brendan, though my wife still thinks he looks great, has most certainly added on a few pounds since The Mummy Returns. Again, it's one point if the actor you pre-select shows to the Oscars and wins, but it's 2 points if the actor you select is an Oscar Nominee and gets the Busting out award. Again, you can also get 4 points if you selected an Oscar Nominee that wins the Oscar and wins the Busting out award.

Hit The Brick Wall Award: Male/Female

This award has a male and female category, so it’s actually two individual awards that can be given two separate points. Basically, its an award given to the actor and actress, who has most obviously and egregiously "Hit the Brick Wall" in terms of looks. Now, mind you, an actor or actress that relies on that "Hit the Brick Wall" look shouldn’t really be up for an award like this. For example, John C. Reilly and a Kathy Bates, started with a "Hit The Brick Wall" look, so they really shouldn’t be up for the award. This award should really recognize the actor and actress, that at one time or another, was considered a knock out, and who now, you would prefer be knocked back in. In this category, it’s a toss up between Geena Davis and Renee Zellweger for the actress award, and Sean Astin in the Actor category. Same point system as above.

Are They Even Still Alive? Award Male/Female

This is an easy award to decide on. Basically, if they were on the red carpet or at the award show, and you saw them and said to your self, "Wow, he/she is still alive...?!?" then they have won this award. Even if you knew they were still alive, and saw them at the award show and thought, "Wow, they look like they could be dead!" then they could win too.  This year, I saw a picture of Mickey Rooney at the Oscars... and I really had thought he had died. That’s not to say he looked like he was "living" in the picture... because he didn’t... but still there he was walking around. The female award would have to go to Celeste Holm. To be honest, I didn’t even know who this was until I saw her picture on the Oscars web site, but when I saw her, I definitely thought she wouldn’t be at next year's gala. As a matter of fact, I cant even find her in our data base... so perhaps she isn’t eligible?!?! Or maybe she was just a ghost and I didn’t really see her.

Worst Speech Award

This is the award for the worst or most obnoxious speech of the night. Another no brainer of an award, no pun intended. There isn’t a female/male category because it isn’t necessary. Usually one person gives such a heinous speech, that everyone can agree that it was idiotic enough for either a man or woman.

For my money, Michael Moore won hands down this year, for his Anti-War speech. [Ed note: Others, of course, may disagree.]

The rules are a bit different here, since you don’t know who is going to give a speech ahead of time. Here, you basically look at the award categories, and see which group has the bigger bunch of knuckleheads and you hang your hat on anyone from that nominated group to give the worst speech no matter who wins.  Here, a winning vote wouldn’t have gone to Michael Moore per se, but instead to the Documentary Feature section no matter who would have won. 1 point if someone in your category wins, 5 points if you select the nominating group that wins, and the winning nominee that also gets the Worst Speech Award. 0 points if your group of nominees don’t give a bad speech at all.

Best Speech Award

I would have simply named this the "Shortest Speech Award" since in the case of the Oscars, the Best Speech is usually the shortest speech, but sometimes, some one who accepts has something funny or mildly intelligent to say. And so, this years award goes too... Adrien Brody/Best Actor list of nominees. Rules are just like the rules for Worst Speech Award.

The Prize

Yes, I know there are some rough spots to be worked out in terms of rules and possible nominees. Cut me a break, it’s a work in progress. Anyway... me and the wife will be sure to play next year. And who knows, if people out there think this a good idea, maybe we can formalize some rules and categories and do a spiff on The-Numbers. But lets face it, it’s no fun if you don’t have anything to win and playing at home with a better half, can almost always involve a better prize then most sites can offer. Just beware, what you may desire in the way of a prize, may not be what your better half desires. Last Superbowl, I lost by a single point to the wife, and I was cleaning house for the rest of the week. To the victors goes the spoils, unless they end up on our awards list that is...

George W. Horta III